The Telephone Talked!

An almost completely, virtually, practically, literally true play, in four acts.


It takes place in an ordinary kitchen.


Characters: (In order of appearance)

The Telephone--Ordinary gray model
Homeowner--Beautiful, energetic, youthful-looking grandma who doubles as a football player
Associate Homeowner--Brilliant grandpa, frequently hidden behind a computer

Act I

Spooky music starts.
Telephone rings.
Telephone rings again.
Homeowner enters from stage left.
Spooky music gets louder.

Telephone: Call from wireless source.

Homeowner looks on in horror!

Telephone: Call from wireless source.

Homeowner: What the????

Telephone: Call from wireless source.

Homeowner: (tentatively picking up receiver) Hello?

Telephone: This is Grandma Ann.

Act II A few minutes later.

Homeowner: Where is that telephone instruction manual? Aha! Here.

Homeowner rifles through booklet, pushes buttons on telephone receiver, and hangs it up.

Homeowner: I stopped it.

Act III Later that day.

Homeowner walks into kitchen.

Associate Homeowner: (from behind a computer) It’s still talking.

Homeowner: I stopped it.

Associate Homeowner: It’s still talking.

Act IV The next day.

Associate Homeowner: Maybe you didn’t really stop it.

Homeowner: (Picks up receiver and pushes buttons.) See, it says ‘Off.’

Associate Homeowner: Maybe it has two voices.

Associate Homeowner picks up instruction manual and begins reading instructions.

Associate Homeowner: You have to turn the base unit off, too.

Homeowner picks up receiver and pushes more buttons.

Homeowner: Now I stopped both of them!

Victorious music begins.